#almostcricket at the pub with the Mr

There are all kinds of Mr, Mrs, Miss, and Ms you meet at the pub over a game.

1. He is cute (subjective). He wears the flag of his team on his face. He is a grown-up, but he’s kept the child alive in him to this day. He has a supportive family, who is willing to create art with face paint (for him).

2. He’ll shout at his loudest when a goal is scored, err, a ball hits the boundary (hence, I should not be writing about #almostcricket, not that I know anything of football either). This action would involve him banging his fist on the table, aspiring to also high-five with those around, and gulping a big sip of the beverage in front of him.

3. He’ll sigh his loudest when his team disappoints him or makes a blunder as per him. This action would involve him banging his fist on the table and ordering another round of beverages to deal with the grief.

4. He’s under peer pressure. He’s not there for the game, he’s there for brotherhood, “It’s the ICC WORLD CUP, after all.”

5. He’ll comment on every move made on the pitch. He is the driver in the passenger seat, who knows how best a catch can be caught, a run can be scored and a match can be won. He’ll shout out to the Virat or the Dhoni (these names come instantly to me, please adjust) to pull up his socks. He’s also the driver, who abuses the other drivers on the road (when all windows are rolled up for both) on how one should not overtake, or wait for their turn. Nobody is listening to him.

6. He’s there not with you, but the ones who are not there. He’s there to click many pictures of the food he’s ordered and the drinks everyone is consuming. He records videos of the moments that matter and the ones that don’t. He zooms in the camera to capture the big screen on his smartphone. He may ask you to join him for many group selfies also called a USIE. He then forwards it instantly to all those who could not come to the pub. He is the one who SPAMS every WhatsApp group. He is also the ADMIN of these groups. He may ask you for your Instagram handle.

7. He has a story for every run and ball. This story rarely has anything to do with cricket, but more to do with how, where, and when he saw a match live.

8. He believes in the sport, the team, and the spirit of sportsmanship (latter, subject to conditions). He’s the no-nonsense, who is there to watch a good game over good grub. He takes wearing the jersey on match days as a serious commitment and responsibility. He discusses the game by throwing in facts and figures. He gets upset as quickly as he smiles. He is my spouse.

9. He’s there for the food and the beverages. I am this He. (This is not me being sexist)

10. Replace the pronouns, wherever necessary. (This is me being a realist)

This is no longer as foolish an idea because

• Now everyone knows I nothing about cricket (readers have managed their expectations of me)

• We all think we know something about cricket, I am not that WE

• I am an Indian, so I better know something about cricket (What did I say about stereotypes, please!)

• Now few of you will READ for we love to win FREEBIES

• Nobody will READ, they will merely hit LIKE and FOLLOW (but, then they won’t WIN)

Cons

• I still have to write about cricket for days (I have given myself a mental day off on weekends, so please do the calculation)

Pros

• Nobody READS except the 275 of whom you DID

• I don’t have to pretend to know something about cricket

Tell me: What do you want to read next or don’t? Just send over a gift card. I am also now open to collaborating for exposure.

I was not kidding about the latter, so here you go.

Note on collaboration for exposure: Mr Toad’s, Dubai’s go-to destination for big-screen sports action and great F&B deals has launched ‘Championships at the Pad’, with bargain packages of food and drinks to celebrate the Cricket World Cup. With an international snack menu reflecting classic cuisine from participating teams, Championships at the Pad has food from AED30, with platters of four different dishes for AED109, washed down with an all-day happy hour with hops, grapes, and spirits from just AED25.

What will you win? Five of you will win vouchers for Dh200/each from Mr. Toad’s, which will be valid at their outlets at Al Jaddaf, Dubai Investments Park, Garhoud, and Dubai Silicon Oasis.

How will you win? Do you know the drill?

• Like and follow @mrtoadsme and @purvagr to qualify

• Next, tag three of your friends, mentioning which Mr, Mrs, Miss, and Ms the individual is from the list on the column on the website and why in the comments on socials or the portal. Bonus points: If you come up with another ‘stereotype’. And yes, keep the game on as you can participate multiple times (with different players, of course)

• Sit back and keep reading, playing, and praying your team wins until then.

Rewind to how it all started (and support if you want it to last)

• Number of World Cups I’ve missed in my lifetime: 12

• The names of cricketers I knew before I got married

• Reasons that intrigue and amuse me when people want to match at the stadium

• Questions I’ve asked and I shouldn't

• Comments and questions that concern cricket and the spouse, raised recently by the readers (yes, I have a few now)

A hashtag I thought I'd never use

#winwithcricket

P.S.: I hope to write for 17 days until the CWC 2023 kickstart, so if you want to suffer (with me) keep coming back here for daily doses of what for now and for the lack of a better name I am calling my #notaboutcricket project, #almostcricket. If you’re into the LIKE, SHARE, and SUBSCRIBE to the FREE PLAN (damn!!) way of living then, of course, you can do that too. I also accept gift cards, just saying. Reach me at hello@purvagrover.com.